Silence Speaks A Thousand Words

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Silence Speaks A Thousand Words

One of the great things about being as sensitive as I am, is that you can tell what people are thinking and feeling with very little effort. You can usually predict accurately what will happen in future situations and you have an incredible in-built sense of timing that helps with life choices. I’m immensely grateful for these qualities. However, the downside is...it’s hard to put things into spoken word and to know when you need to do this. Living in a sensitive world mostly made up of feelings and predictions, the art of speaking is often lost.

Lately those that know me would say I’m a chatterbox but this is something I have had to learn the hard way.

As a young girl taken away from the comfort of her hometown and thrust into a new place with new people this became especially true. Desperately trying to fit in I would say the most inappropriate things – I sounded like a Veteran Call Girl, yet I was as pure as the driven snow. Unfortunately, this attracted “The Wrong Crowd”. Happy that I had attracted anyone at all, I went along with it and tried harder to fit in. The danger came when relationships started and with them the usual pressures. Struck dumb and overwhelmed by the whole situation I rarely said a word, which led to confusion of the worst kind.

For years I was abused severely by men physically, mentally and sexually. For the most part it was the man I had fallen deeply for who hurt me the most.  In true fashion I never told anyone, I just kept quiet and hoped that one day someone would stop and understand without me having to say anything, the same way I always knew what to do to help people, without having to ask. From my very early teens to my late twenties this pattern continued and each time I felt less worthy of speaking up and more and more frightened of people. I shut myself away from the world and spent many hours on my own burying the hurt and the resounding sense of danger I felt all around me.

Do not get me wrong, these men did not mishear my small word, were not mistaken and had not misread the signals; one was an out and out predator; engineering a way to get me on my own so they could attack me.  For a long time I thought it was my fault because it had happened more than once. I do accept responsibility for my part and for what it’s worth, while I wish it didn't have to happen to me, I’m glad it did as it’s made me grow beyond my years. The lower you go, the higher you fly afterwards. Why else do people deprive themselves of luxury taking themselves somewhere remote to meditate for weeks? It’s so they can go low because then they know they will fly.

It was nearly ten years later that these years of constant torture and abuse rose to the surface, causing me to have a nervous breakdown. I couldn't cope with the simplicity of life anymore.

Sat in my car in the Mental Health Outpatients car park following a ‘talking therapy’ session, my entire world fell to pieces right there. My body was shaking uncontrollably and I couldn't catch my breath or think of any words (again, words failed me). I knew I wasn't safe to drive and I actually didn't feel safe at all. I thought if grief could kill, this was the slow painful end for me.

As luck would have it my partner rang to see how the session had gone and by some miracle I managed to press the ‘answer’ button on the phone. I can’t thank him enough as he took control of the situation. My sister came to get me and he spoke to my manager (now a good friend for the support she offered) to say I was unable to come back to work.

The panic in me was at such a level I thought it would have to subside, but it stayed with me for months.

Unable to function I spent my days unwashed and sat in bed, simply unable to get my brain or body to do anything. Redundancies were looming at work and I knew I needed to get organised for a career change. On one of my rare better days (I was still unwashed and in bed) I decided to ask the Angels for help - I would accept help from anywhere at this point. Unsure how to do it I just said aloud my dilemma and asked the Angels for help. It came to me almost straight away, that I, like so many others who've suffered, should put it to good use and help those in the same situation. I was satisfied with this and it seemed like a good plan, even if I wasn't able to take it any further.

Little did I know that this was the start of me coming out of the shadows and into the light; not too long from then I would be directed toward Reiki and my life would change for the better forever.

It is my belief that everything happens for a reason, even if we can’t see what that reason is at the time.

Life is like a jigsaw, even if you think a piece doesn't fit or isn't right, eventually it will fall into place and create the whole beautiful picture of your life. Cherish every moment, every piece and don’t ever suffer in silence.

This was my most difficult piece to write to date and I cried for the young girl, away from home, who was treated so badly.

Special thanks goes to all those in my life now or previously who have treated me right. This blog is dedicated to all the men in my life who have been there for me. I’d especially like to dedicate it to my son, who saved me, who made me grow up and step out into life again; for my partner, who taught me how to love and trust again and who has helped me to assert myself.

The love and support I have received over the years is incredible and I intend to give this back by spreading Reiki love worldwide. Watch this space.


More like this:

Picking Up the Pieces

What is Reiki?

Fear - The Enemy Within

International Day for Eliminating Violence Against Women

Moving House is One of the Most Stressful Things in Life?