Well, I did it, I felt the fear and I did it anyway - I'm moving tomorrow.
It's time to say goodbye to the place that has been my home for half my life. Someone said "it's the end of an era", and in many ways it is. Both me and my son grew up here. I had my 21st and 30th birthdays here and he had his 16th and 18th birthdays here. We never used to do things the easy way, so it's been a bumpy ride. This house has often been a Heartbreak Hotel for us.
There's been many a Dark Night of the Soul in this house. When you feel like you've given so much to life, but it never quite works out. When you feel like you can't go on anymore, but you know in your heart that you have to. There's been many tears shed. I sometimes wonder if that's why the house is so damp - a physical manifestation of the dominant energy here.
In the beginning we had no money. I slept on floorboards for a while, we didn't have lamp shades, curtains, carpets or anything much. We didn't get any help from my sons dad who managed to dodge the CSA better than Lord Lucan would have done. He never visited, not once.
I weighed less than 6 stone as I couldn't afford to eat. We were very lucky to have an excellent Health Visitor who rightly suspected my son was autistic and so made time to visit us weekly to support us. She was an Earth Angel, if ever I saw one.
As I got older and got better at coping, me and my son grew closer. These were perhaps my favourite times. We would buy jigsaws from school fayres and spend our spare time putting them together in our small space we shared. We had our own routine and the house began to feel like home.
It's not all bad: the house hosted some of the wildest parties. That was the beauty of it being rented and having a very deaf neighbour, who genuinely couldn't hear the rave going on next door. My favourite party was the Mr T Cocktail Party, where there was that much alcohol consumed it's a miracle that any of us made it out alive. That or the Bring An Inflatable party. Hmmm...
Some of our life's most special and poignant moments have happened here. We all have our own memories that we create in our homes, some we love to share and others, not so much. The thing with families is that you make up your own rules and have your own unique and quirky way of living behind closed doors. Currently, if you call at mine past 7pm you will likely find me sporting a cat onesie. You have been warned!
I'd like if possible, to share some of our memories with you. There's too many major moments to share them all, so I'm just going to share the ones that stick in my mind or that have changed me as a person the most.
For some reason, most of these have happened on our couch. Weird.
1) Mine and my sons after tea cuddles on the couch. We'd share our day together. My only regret is that I couldn't spend very long doing this, being a working single mum, I'd soon have to get up and get on with my jobs.
2) Meeting my bro-in-law at my 21st party. I sort of knew he'd feature in our lives, but I didn't know how and he was actually with his girlfriend (not my sister) at the time. Funny how we sometimes know in advance what is going to happen.
3) Coming home after my son was diagnosed, sitting on the couch reeling from the news. My amazing friend (who deserves a blog post all of her own), instinctively called and I'll never forget her words as they were perfect and sparked my new positive outlook. She said "That's brilliant, Lou. At least now you'll know how to help him". One short sentence, one large step for me.
4) Bringing our cat home. He was scared of humans as he had been abused (we rescued him). He hid under the stairs for 2 weeks and I was starting to give up hope of helping him. I sat on the couch (of course) and wondered what I could try next. It had been a tough day in its own right and I was feeling particularly lost. That night, he sensed that I needed help. He came straight out the cupboard and with a knowing miaow, sat on my knee. Our love is still going strong to this day.
5) Working on my low self esteem, I went to Assertiveness training at college. It started to uncover in me some memories. One night after college my mum had my son over night. I remember shaking like a leaf as I came through the front door. I decided to run a bath to help calm me down. I turned and looked in the bathroom mirror and it occurred to me that not so many years ago I had been repeatedly raped for years. This was the first time that I ever admitted that to myself. I didn't get the bath. I felt too vulnerable to be undressed. I sat on the cold bathroom floor and cried all night, knowing I had work in the morning.
6) Having my current partner over, as a friend. I barely spoke to him as I was so frightened of being hurt. He missed his train home and had to stay on the couch. As I left him to go up to my room to bed, I had a revelation and realised he'd have no idea why I was acting so odd. In my fetching PJ's, I crept downstairs to apologise to him and explain. We had our first hug right there.
7) Several years later, on Christmas Day, he proposed to me...on The Couch.
8) The day my son finished school. We ripped all the books up and recycled them and were both so pleased and relieved that school was over. We felt free and like life was about to improve. I will probably blog about that school at some point - I need to let go of the anger over the way they treated both of us.
9) A visit from my brother and his now wife to say they were getting married and moving to New York. Such exciting news and a major event in their lives and mine.
10) Finding out I was losing my job of 12 years due to redundancy and coming home and crying, on, you guessed it...The Couch.
I think I might need a new couch.
The point is, it's been more tough than fun, but that is entirely my responsibility. Once I learnt to direct positive energy into my life, it started to change for the better. It's all in our hands and within our reach.
Now I know this, our new home is going to be a retreat of love, light and laughter. When negative energy comes knocking, it's going to be left stranded at the door.
This old smelly house has been witness to so many of my life lessons and memories, that despite everything it will always have a special place in my heart. When I turn the key one last time tomorrow, you can be sure a few tears will fall, for old times sake.
I wish whoever rents this house next, the best of luck and hope they can find the happiness here that eluded me for so many years.
No comments:
Post a Comment