It therefore felt fitting to write a blog post today in honour of the UK's Time To Talk campaign, which aims to end the taboo, stigma and falsehoods about mental health illnesses.
They say that 1 in 4 people will suffer mental health issues in their life, but not many will own up to it for fear of what people might think. There are also issues about employers not understanding, friends thinking you're crazy and even Drs looking down on you. No wonder people don't talk!
It's my personal belief that more than 1 in 4 have suffered and that not all will even see their Dr about it or own up to themselves. This is perhaps the biggest victim of the stigma. As people reach breaking point - men, in particular - lives are lost and worlds torn apart.
From as young as I can remember I felt susceptible to energy around me. So, if someone was happy - I felt elated, conversely, if someone felt sad - I'd be devastated. For me, this is where it all began as it trip-wired a negative mind-set and started the anxiety rising in me. For others, there will be no trigger at all - contrary to popular belief, being depressed is not the same as being sad with a reason to be sad. The reason for depression is simple - it's because you're ill.
For some reason I felt more at comfort with the darker feelings and I somehow felt I deserved them. Somewhere deep inside me was self-hate. You can't hide self-hate - people can sense it. Due to this I attracted many people into my life who either hated me too or gave me more reasons to hate myself. These are the people I owe the most to, for they were brought to me by my sub-conscious, to challenge me to dare to self-love against all odds. They were my teachers and I know they meant me no harm.
In my darkest of hours, at my lowest of low, my sense of hopelessness was so strong that the only way out felt like ending my own life. I was just a teenager, yet life had defeated me already. On one occasion I tried and was distraught and even more hopeless that I had failed - it compounded my feeling that I failed at everything. The Drs wanted me to talk, but it was so overwhelming I didn't know what to say. My low self-esteem meant I was more concerned with saying what they wanted to hear and I couldn't guess what that might be.
I'd like to say that I was treated well by Drs but they too reflected back at me the contempt I had for self. I wish I'd known about MIND back then. Perhaps they could have helped me? If you or someone you know is suffering, please check them out.
Once you've had mental health issues there's always a chance they'll come back. They sort of become a fragmented part of your make-up - the black dog that is always near you. For anyone who hasn't suffered, you might find this puzzling. "Don't let it get you down", "chin up", "look on the bright side", they say...It's the hardest battle of all to do those things when you're being held hostage by your own dark thoughts. The bright side evades you, eclipsed by the constant chatter of a hateful mind. You feel yourself swirling deeper and deeper in your own negative energy with nowhere else to go and nothing to hold on to. You drown and you don't even care. You want to choke on it, be consumed by it. You think you deserve it.
The description above might seem dramatic but having suffered; depression, anxiety, stress, PTSD and 2 nervous breakdowns, I can assure you I'm sparing you the real hurtful truth of how deep the cut goes.
There is no limit to the damage a mental illness can and will do to you, your loved ones and your world. It eats away at your happiness like a starved vulture, leaving just a few crumbs behind - just so you know what you're missing out on - and, of course, feel bad for it.
The road to recovery is a long one, steeped with challenges and not helped by the topic being taboo. A part of you still feels unworthy and so you would never ask for help or share your pain, preferring to paint a smile for the world to see and be comfortable with.
Thankfully, I found reiki, or it found me. Together we hunt down all traces of black dog and we release them day by day, replacing them with love and light. It's started a revolution in me - a love affair with myself and my life built on solid foundations.
There are many people fighting internal battles everyday. If we don't start to talk about it, it will never be safe for them to openly have those battles and we won't be able to support them. It's time to talk.
Will you talk about it today? You might just save a life in doing so. Start the conversation, end the stigma, not the life.
For more information on mental health and the #Timetotalk day please visit Time To Change
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