The Day My Nana Passed Away

I have the sort of mother who is selfless enough to stand back and allow me to make my own judgements, be myself and make my own experiences to grow. This has always been the case. My nana on the other hand wanted me to be a certain way, look and act a certain way. Both were straight from the heart and for the highest intentions. I'm so blessed to still have my mum in my life and to have had my nana, especially with such different personalities to learn from.

I desperately wanted to be as glamorous as my nana that had a new outfit for every occasion, including shoes and bag - today's WAG's would fear her as major competition! My nana wanted me to be a model and I wanted to fulfil this too: parading up and down the front room, practicing my pout to her applause. However, at the ripe old age of 12, I chose to become vegetarian and my mother in her selfless way, let me. Show me a tall vegetarian! I'm far too short to be a model and I'm too short for my weight too. So sorry to disappoint, nana, but mum will be pleased that I made my own choice and stuck to it.

My nana was a strong and definite woman, the head of the family, as is the case in many a scouse family - what the head female says...goes! You don't mess with your scouse women and my nana was no exception. Her key phrase was "scratch her eyes out" referring to anyone who didn't play along with the agenda. This was a woman you would want on your side and I was so lucky that she was on mine. She had a warm heart and my best toys all came from her, those tacky dolls you get when abroad; frilly dresses from down the market that made me feel like one of the black and white movie stars she watched, Barbie, musical boxes…oh loads of tat, but the sort you love as a kid. She knew how to rock my world and she did it.

The sad thing was she was also seriously ill and disabled, not that you could tell, she had more fire in her than anyone I’ve ever and probably will ever know. In fact you could say her fire was her disability, no balance… all roaring fire. I loved this about her and wanted to be as extrovert as her and as willing to stand up for myself as her. In reality I was introvert and a door mat. Again, sorry, nana.

A lot of my time spent with her was in hospital and we never knew if this was the time she wouldn’t return home. She defied Doctors every time and would say “I’m not going (to die) until I want to”. One particular night she was very poorly in hospital and my parents had rushed to go and see her. My son was in bed and I was alone in my front room waiting for news. The room went freezing cold and I felt my nana float up past me, I had a terrible sense that something was amiss. The phone rang causing me to jump sky high; it was my grandad wanting to know where my mum was as she wasn’t answering her phone. I explained they were on their way to the hospital and sadly my grandad confirmed that they were too late, my nana had passed a moment ago.

That night I went to bed heartbroken as despite me moving away and certainly as a teenager not seeing as much of her as I would have wanted, she was such an inspiration and influence on me that I felt the loss through every part of my being. I curled up in a ball of pain and grief hoping the duvet would offer some comfort. It didn’t. Instead the freezing cold came again and I felt my nana climb onto the bed and hold me, she also told me to “stop being soft your mum needs you now!”. Wise words. Then she left and I continued my sorrow riddled state through the night.

At her funeral we were all asked to close our eyes and remember her – the good times, of course. I was sat next to my great aunty Rose (my nana’s sister) and I instinctively turned to look at her instead for comfort. She whispered would I like to be held by nana one last time and I nodded. Rose took me in her arms and brought my nana through to me, taking on her physical form. Rose wasn’t like my nana but it was my nana that hugged me, in shape, size and feel. I was reeling from the experience and full of questions about how I’d known my nana passed, how I felt my nana in my room and now this….

Rose later told me she was a psychic medium with her own circle and a spiritualist lending library. It was the start of me building my own knowledge and beliefs in spiritualism. Although, it is my Grandad who has taught me the most on the subject and to whom I give credit.

As Rose left, I hugged her one last time and she held my hands and told me my nana wanted me to have strength. As she touched my hand she said “take her strength, she wants you to have it” and “find your own evidence”. I felt my nana with me and indeed her incredible strength.

My nana now comes to me in times of need and guidance. This is most handy as I’m a giving person and will forgive anyone anything, but sometimes I do need to protect myself from people taking of advantage of this. I don’t believe anyone would knowingly take advantage, but some people just expect to get away with more with me because I’m kind. It’s those times that she shows up, full of fire and guides me or just gives me the push needed to stick to my boundaries.

With her support I am growing all the time and I hope to build more secure boundaries that allow me to be true to myself the way my mum wants me to, but not to allow people to only take from me, the way my nana wouldn’t want them to.

Whoever you’ve lost from your life there is a piece of them with you in your soul and consciousness and you can access them any time.

When the journey together on this planet ends, have faith that another day you’ll be re-united and may well start another journey together in another life.

This blog post is dedicated to my mum, my nana and all the strong empowered women in my life. To those who have gifted me experience, to those that have made me grow and to those that continue to be an inspiration and support to me. Thank you. 

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Me, My Grandad and I

We Live and We Learn

10 Lessons in Parenting that my Parents Taught Me

Bereavement - Fighting Your Way Out of The Dark