There are many stigmas attached to domestic violence, none of which are helpful to anyone involved. I'm not just thinking of this from the 'victims' point of view - can you imagine knowing you're sick and need help but not being able to ask because of what people would think of you?
If you know or have ever known someone suffering violence in a relationship, you've more than likely wondered why they stay, why they don't do X,Y,Z to get away/get their own back...I'd like to spend some time relaying what it's like to be caught up in a unhealthy relationship and hopefully answer some of those 'whys' from my own point of view.
Firstly, I want you to remember (if you don't already) what it's like to really love someone. The person you love has their 'faults' and you still love them, because true love is unconditional and accepting without judgement. Their 'faults' might be completely unacceptable to one person and totally worth it to you. It's no different just because the 'fault' is what might be classed as a big one.
So what happens when someone sick loves you? To start with they will reel you in by being the most perfect partner anyone could wish for, this is because they themselves are usually incredibly insecure and they need the reassurance of your reaction to them. This will continue and you won't believe your luck (probably because you're insecure too. Like attracts like). One day this perfect person will say or do something unsettling - a good example would be "I don't like that top on you". You'll be hurt that Mr/Mrs perfect has broken the Guinness World Record For Charm, but because they're so perfect you'll think it's not very fair to question them and you don't want to ruin the perfection by causing a row over something so simple, right? Then it would be YOU at fault, wouldn't it?
As your relationship has been unrealistically perfect so far, the small comment or action will play on your mind more and you'll wonder if maybe you have put on weight? Colour doesn't suit you? You're dressing too young for your age? Self-doubt is creeping in.
Mr/Mrs Perfect doesn't want you to know how they really feel as it's a sick and twisted reality, so they'll make up for their angry comment/action by being even more perfect. Self-doubt will creep in further. You shouldn't really be worried by what they said/did, you're a bad person for not letting it go - I mean look how nice they're being now...and so the circle of self-doubt and drain on your confidence begins.
As time goes on it's harder for Mr/Mrs Perfect to keep the lid on the hurt and fear inside them and sooner or later they take some of it out on you. By this time they'll have made sure you don't have many friends around you - they're insecure and they need ALL of you to even feel slightly human, so friends and family had to be removed from your life (discreetly and for your own good, of course, they're just being protective, you see). You've been lacking confidence lately and your friends and family had turned out not to be as good as you first thought (Mr/Mrs Perfect had pointed this out to you a while ago). You've nowhere to turn and since Mr/Mrs Perfect are so perfect, it can only be your own fault that this has happened. You can't imagine life without the adrenaline rush and constant reassurance of Mr/Mrs Perfect. You decide to let this one go, it's a one-off and you know it won't happen again, besides you know you haven't quite been enough for Mr/Mrs Perfect lately and they need you. They're the only person in the world who needs you right now, your friends and family have left you.
Now the lid is off Mr/Mrs Perfect can't control it anymore, like a demon unleashed it rules them and in turn, it rules you. You know they wouldn't really want to hurt you and each time they make it up to you, you forgive them because you feel trapped and unable to move on from the place where love once lived. You're dying inside and you wonder why they do it, why you and why you can't go back to the good old days. You'd do anything to go back to the good old days....so you decide to find the strength to get back there. Instead of showing Mr/Mrs Perfect the door, you show them what it used to be like and they're insecurity is temporarily relieved, like a bittersweet reward for what they did to you. They don't want to be, but they are hooked on the cycle of hurt. After an extreme down, endorphins are released and this coupled with your efforts, unwittingly feeds the 'monster'.
At the first sign of your efforts waning the insecurity and fear will grip them and they will lash out again and again. They play games they don't even know they're playing to see your reaction and feel attachment to everything you do. You'll think you're worthless, even your best efforts aren't enough now and you'll be too scared to fight and too tired to ever 'win' this war. The more they hurt you, the more you need the old them.
Think about when you've had a bad day or traumatic incident, who do you turn to for comfort? It's no different for the people trapped in these relationships. And so you can see how these things start so easily yet are so hard to end. You think you'd stand up to anyone and you think you'd never put up with it, but until someone you love with all your heart has done it to you, you can't honestly pass comment. Things happen all the time in relationships that we don't like, we compromise and they move on so fast we can't remember what it was we didn't like last week. These relationships are no different. In fact, you want it to move on fast, why would you want to stay in the abusive state when you could move on and forget it happened?
If you know someone trapped in an unhealthy relationship, try to understand and listen without judgement. As hard as it is try not to force them to leave, as it will only cause more problems unless they're truly at the point they can see it through. What they need is a friend with the same unconditional love that their relationship started off with, so they believe they have the unquivering support to leave and survive.
My earliest relationship was one like this - a never-ending circle of hurt and hope - sadly, my hope was never met, but luckily I found an ounce of strength locked inside me and I finally left for good. It was years ago, but it still haunts me at times and I have the scars to prove it. The scars don't define me as a person and the experience allowed me to feel such pain that there is little on this earth I can't empathise with, so I'm grateful for what it gave me.
For all those suffering or who have suffered violence from a loved one, my heart goes out to you. Just know that you are worthy of love in all its perfection.
If we really want to eliminate violence we need to remove the stigmas and stop blaming the victims for not sticking up for themselves.
Violence of any sort must be eliminated from the world so we can all live in love.
No comments:
Post a Comment