How To Be Assertive

From the earliest days I remember, I always found joy in giving. I was the one who liked looking after babies, nursing the sick and making castles so the fairies wouldn't be homeless. I volunteered for the NSPCC and I empathised deeply with anyone and everyone I met, even though in this life I hadn't experienced what they'd been through, I replicated their feelings in mine without choosing to do so - it just happened. Whilst this was a nifty trick, it brought about problems.

In school I was easy pickings for those that way inclined. I gave away my belongings freely and I'd do anything to avoid a fight. Rather than making me angry, I was elevated that I'd been able to make someone else happy and I felt their happiness, the same way I picked up on every other emotion. How it made me feel never occurred to me.

At night I would pray for everyone I'd seen or heard about that day that needed help, including what I'd seen on the news. One of my guardian angels, Grace, would sit behind me, to my left side whilst I did this and I would sense her joy at being given work to do. It felt like a wonderful partnership we had going.

During my teenage years it got more complicated as people would push for what they wanted and I'd had little practice at saying "no". The only defence I felt I could form was a facade of being 'hard' and as if it didn't matter what happened to me. I could handle it. This was related to the fact I felt they wanted to hurt me, so I needed them to believe they couldn't. The truth is, they didn't want to hurt me, but instead just wanted what they wanted and that was it - no second thought for any consequences.

Once I became a mother my shyness and lack of assertiveness were too dangerous to keep. I knew I needed to start sticking up for myself and my baby and to be a good example too. I was so crippled by shyness and a feeling of inadequacy that even getting a bus would make me sick with nerves, as I'd have to ask for may fare in front of everyone and potentially have to speak to get off the bus. 

If someone spoke to me I would go crimson red and wouldn't answer at all! I actually lost jobs because of this.

Finally, now I'm older, I can see clearly that compassion doesn't mean giving up your needs and rights, to serve others. It's important to help each other out, but not at your own compromise.

Knowing your own boundaries, what matters to you and how far you're willing to go, is key.

I now give myself full permission to stand in my own power, to release the 'rescuer' role I've played for so long. Nothing feels better than being your own best friend.

Something else I've learnt is that being bolshy, loud or angry is actually aggressive, not assertive, as many confuse it to be.

Likewise, sulking, hinting and manipulating is passive aggressive, not assertive.

To be truly assertive we know and accept our limits, we respect everyone and we don't allow ourselves to get caught in drama. We voice this calmly and clearly with no regrets.

Forgiveness is a fundamental part of being assertive. Forgive others and move on without adding the caveat that you "won't forget". More important than that forgive yourself and only see life as a combination of experiences and lessons.

Don't forget that everyone you meet has come to you to teach you something about yourself. And yes, I do include the people you don't like in that.

The festive season is a time when boundaries get tested. Stay in your truth and don't let the fear of consequences or reactions stop you.

Have a fabulous fun and assertive break. I'll be back in the new year.