Always the Bridesmaid, Never the Bride

The saying goes... three times the bridesmaid, never the bride. I've been a bridesmaid four times.

Even when I was a little girl I loved weddings. I know most girls do, but as with everything with me, this was a bit more than most.

In the summer holidays I'd eagerly await the ringing of the local church bells at St Marys, West Derby, as this signified a wedding was about to happen. I would run to the village to stand back out the way and watch the bride arrive. I'd take in every detail and I simply adored the energy of the occasion; the excitement, the emotion, the celebration.

St Marys Church, West Derby, Liverpool. Photo credit: Steve Wallace on Flickr.com

Needless to say I had many dreams about what it would feel like to be a bride myself. I'd put my imagination to great use and make huge wedding dresses for my dolls and act out the ceremonies.

My Gold Label Barbie of my most favourite famous bride, Grace Kelly.

I was lucky enough as a very young child to experience being a bridesmaid for my cousin and I remember staring in awe at how beautiful she looked in her pristine dress. I was so excited for when it would be My Day. The thought never occurred to me that I might not get My Day.

Too excited to dress or even hold my basket properly.

Aged about ten, I was upstairs playing wedding Barbie when my mum shouted to me "Your uncles on the phone and he has something to ask you". We (me and my twin sister) dutifully came downstairs and tongue in cheek (knowing the reaction she'd get) my mum calmly said "He's getting married. Would you like to be a bridesmaid?". You can still hear the excited scream somewhere out in space. 

I was absolutely besotted with the no expense spared wedding; the fact I got to wear a hooped underskirt like a bride, the brides' veil went on forever and ever glistening under the lights and lighting up my heart each time it did,  the smell of the roses in our bouquets, the champagne flowing, the names and date printed on everything, the masses of congratulations and every special moment - all of which will stay with me forever.

 As I was starting to feel more grown-up at the time, it felt like one step closer to My Day too. I don't think I even cracked a smile that day, I was so busy taking everything in.

Me just about containing my excitement at wearing a hooped underskirt.

My Nana added fuel to the fire when the Royal Weddings happened. She saved us all the magazine pull-outs and souvenirs and I got to watch the weddings over and over again on TV, whilst declaring that I would be married in a cathedral and that the train of the dress would be as long as the steps leading up to it. I looked through the pull-outs time and again until I came up with a modified design for my own dress. I couldn't wait for it to happen.

Me on my First Holy Communion Day when I loved dressing in a white bride-like dress.

It's no surprise that at the age of sixteen I got engaged, without a ring or proposal, just another trapping in a toxic relationship. It was enough of a carrot to make me stay longer. Thankfully, it was just a carrot and no wedding materialised.

As the years passed, proposals came and went leaving a trail of disasters, unwanted dresses and bills. Dreams broke off at the point of reality.

I even worked as a florist so I could create wedding flowers and after that I worked in an actual Bridal Boutique (neither are the nice easy jobs you'd think they would be!). At every stage of my life I've been involved with weddings. 

Most recently those that know me or have been following the blog will know that my imminent wedding last year was cancelled months before it was due to go ahead. The main thing is that we're still together, but the reality is we'll never be married now and that hurts.

Me in what would have been my wedding dress last year.

For a start, it wasn't the first time there's been a halt to the wedding plans, when we first got engaged we were forced to stop the plans by my partners ex - we should have stood up to her but for whatever reason, we didn't, and this really took the wind out my sails, so much so that I didn't pick back up with the organising of it until a couple of years later. Then, there's just the feeling that we can't go there again - it somehow feels tainted and has lost its momentum and its meaning.

The hilarious thing is that I don't even know how I feel about marriage - you mention marriage to me and I start thinking about divorce and the lasting hurt that has. God, I'm weird! I don't know why I do this, as my parents and most of my friends are all still happily married. 

There is nothing worse though than people who once loved each other, arguing and going all out to "take them to the cleaners". Where love once was, all that remains is bitterness and a sense of entitlement to material things: a strange competition for who comes out on top, that's not measured by dignity, humility and grace but by who gets the most money and settles down with someone else first. Surely, there are more peaceful resolutions? You can't say how you'd act if you were that hurt, but I like to think, like other situations in my life, I would rise above. So, you could say that I'm frightened of what I might become, rather than divorce itself.

For this reason, I much prefer Handfastings and other commitment ceremonies where you announce and celebrate your commitment to each other, but don't come away with any legal obligations and/or a high horse for if things don't work out.

 Me as a Bridesmaid for my gorgeous friends' wedding.

Me as a Bridesmaid with our fab mum on my lovely sisters' wedding day.

As with all things in my life, I have created entirely the reality of it and I accept that fully but I can't help but feel disappointed with my results even though it's clear where I'm going wrong.

The Cathedral at Liverpool, where I used to dream of dragging a huge train up the steps. 

I don't know if I'll ever get over my obsession or my fear, but I do know that at thirty-seven, it's unlikely I'll ever have that cathedral wedding. On the plus side, I'll never get divorced. Every cloud.

Need a bridesmaid? Hit me up!

Every healing experience I share on my blog comes with some degree of difficulty to write about because I write with such an open heart, but this one in particular was hard for me to admit and face up to, so I hope it is received in the spirit it is meant. 

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The Energetics of Illness and How You Can Use Them to Heal

We've all been ill at some stage in our lives, even if it was only something classed as minor - like the Flu. Most of us remember it, maybe even the date, what it felt like etc.

Even if you're ultra fit and healthy and never really experienced an illness that's left it's mark, perhaps you've witnessed its unfolding in someone close to you; a parent, a child, a sibling, a partner...

How we deal with illness dictates how ill we get. How so? The energy of being unwell is a tough one. First and foremost you feel ill; tired - exhausted even, helpless, vulnerable and I think we all agree that we tend to feel an urgency to get back to how we were - well.

Lately I've been ill constantly and this is the danger of the energy of illness - since once you get ill, you feel ill and like attracts like. On top of that, this urgency to return to full health creates a strong energetic bond and attracts the 'like' and the 'like' is basically more reasons to want to be well again. It becomes a vicious circle and one that's hard to break.

As we frantically try everything to get well again (I've personally tried diet, supplements, Drs advice, reiki, crystal healing, praying, meditations, affirmations...) the energy of being unwell gains pace - you're inadvertently feeding it.

It seems the best way to be is to surrender to it, perhaps only seeking to find what it is trying to teach you. In my case, it could well be patience or even just surrendering, itself.

Admittedly, some illnesses are harder than others to break away from, partially because the very name of the illness carries an energy of fear about it. We all know the 'C' word, right? When someone says it, what energy do you feel? By being frightened we are collectively giving the 'C' word power as intent is what gives energy life and purpose. 

How do you detach from the word, the diagnosis and it's associated energy? It becomes YOUR diagnosis and that itself can be unhelpful in terms of detaching. If you're not able to detach, it could very well start to become you, to define you, to rule you....when people think of you they immediately think of the illness too (note: I didn't call it YOUR illness!) and they don't realise it but in doing so they are adding to its staying power. 

It's my personal belief that at the heart of every physical illness there is a mental cause and that if you heal the mental cause, you in turn will heal the physical.

The chart below is taken from the brilliant book by Louise Hay - You Can Heal Your Life

My symptoms all check in with and match up to my emotional causes as shown on this chart.

I also believe that we create absolutely every single thing in our own lives. We are the Universe experiencing itself - like little Gods/Goddesses we have creative power whether we know it/believe it or not. Our thoughts, words, actions and - most importantly - our beliefs attract things into our lives for us to experience and/or learn from.

Clearly, if you've created a hideous illness for yourself this is not conscious or deliberate and often it's a by-product of something we haven't been able to deal with emotionally that has buried itself deep down in our energetic layers and has now transformed into illness. You didn't ask for it and it was not purposeful. The good news is that once we accept this, we can heal it, though, I also accept there will be cases of karma and pre-ordained Soul Plans that exist where healing is not necessarily possible.

There's a very good website here astrologymuse - emotional causes of your physical illness that lists the underlying emotional cause of a lot of illnesses. Again, I checked some of mine and they were correct.  

So no matter how ill you are, how rubbish you feel, how attached you've become to what's happening to you, you can start to change it at a pace that suits you. You can cut the energetic cords, face the emotional cause with support and change how you think and once those changes start to sink into your sub-conscious and become a belief, you will be some way to healing.

This, of course, should all be done whilst following medical advice to deal with the physical symptoms. 

I've just begun this process myself with the many things I've attracted in to my life. It will be interesting to see how I get on and success will be 100% my responsibility. 

However you are affected and no matter how long it's gone on, there is hope that you can find your way out of it and back to a healthy and healed you. I'm not saying it'll be easy, I'm saying it'll be worth it.

 A good place to start is your language. I've lost count of how many times I've recently said out loud "I feel dreadful", "I feel so ill" and since words are energy, they are adding to the illness and signalling to my sub-conscious that...I feel dreadful and so ill, and so it continues...I can't really expect it not to when I've been telling myself it!

I've noticed too that in a quest for the latest thing that is going to 'fix' you, you start to 'own' the illness and everything about it, by becoming an expert, you are also becoming connected. It's not that you should never speak about it again, as sometimes we need to release by talking to someone - it's more a case of with a little more care over words, and a refusal to 'own' the illness, you will make in roads to recovery.

It's also helpful to develop an unwavering belief that whatever you've chosen to do, in order to heal, is going to work. This is because our beliefs power our reality. This isn't an on the surface belief,as in, if you're 'lucky' it'll work, no, this is deep-rooted absolute certainty that's needed. Without it you'll get mixed results. 

Wherever you are, whatever is happening and however you're feeling, know in your heart that you deserve to heal, to be well again and healthy and that with the right approach it can and will be achieved. Sending out waves of love to all that are unwell at this moment, may the moment pass with ease and grace until you are well again. 

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What it Means to Heal

Written with assistance from Archangel Gabriel. Thank you, Gabriel, for helping with my recent writers block. <3

World Autism Awareness Day 2014

As a parent to a son who is autistic I wanted to write something for WAAD. 

At first I wanted to write solely about the struggle and pain this disability causes not only for the sufferer, but also for the family of the sufferer. However, there is beauty in all things and autism is no different, so instead I'm going to write from a unique view point and hopefully this will help raise awareness of autism and what it can be like to live with someone who has it.

You see, every cloud has a silver lining. I honestly wouldn't change a thing about my son. Yes, I wish life was easier for both of us, but in a way, it wouldn't be my son if that was the case. He is probably my greatest teacher and I owe him a lot for that.

Photo credit Andreanavarro33 DeviantArt

From day one my son never slept, as most people with autism don't, due to the amount of data their senses receive constantly, it's nigh impossible to sleep. I would pace up and down my mum and dads hallway with him trying to calm him down and this would continue through to the next day and night and so on...there is no sleep in him. Even now. As a lover of sleep this has always been tricky for me to deal with. So, I could focus on how tired it made us and the exhaustion on the walks to nursery and then on to work, but instead I'm going to tell you the good bit...nothing will bond you and your child more than going through the same thing together - even if that 'thing' is not sleeping. Not to mention we were spending pretty much double the time together, if not more, than other parents were with their children. I'm not taking away from other parents here - if we could have slept we would have done too. It's just if you don't look for the good in these situations, you will go insane. 

As a single parent this meant I really was spending all my time with him, but there's no-one I would have rather spent that time with.

Anyone with an autistic child will know that going public places is often a challenge. As the disability is 'invisible' and the overload on the childs' senses and the lack of predictability can trigger a trauma in them, they're often perceived by people as being 'naughty'. Cue plenty of tutting and every child rearing expert known to man giving you advice on where you're going wrong. Well, I just love this!  A chance to have a reasoned debate on the challenging behaviours of autism and the lack of understanding from the general public. Fab! A few sentences later and the 'experts' disappear with their tail between their legs. Tut.

Likewise, whilst most kids run wild at parties, stuff themselves and make themselves sick, you'll usually find an autistic child will be hiding under the table with their hands over their ears and wishing it would hurry up and end. OK, so this feels sad, they're missing out on childhood. However, on the plus side you never have to teach them how to act dignified at raucous parties - it's sort of something they can already see and do. A strange kind of inbuilt maturity. The time comes when your child no longer gets invited to the parties. This is the best thing of all, as in all honesty, would you want your child mixing with children who are being taught to be unaccepting in such a way? Where's the lesson of humility and togetherness? And at least your child doesn't have to be forced to go into what is actually a scary environment for them.

You have to fight to keep your autistic child a part of every day life. You can't let them slip away and tune out, though they want to do this. This is why it is so important to raise awareness to make every day life easier to be a part of, instead of it being easier to turn and run.  

Where as food is normally a pleasure for most, it's frankly, a minefield for people with autism. They're generally extra sensitive and like to have things 'just so' in this department - as in, cooked in a certain way and served a particular way and maybe grouped in a specific way. Jamie Oliver would struggle to please them and Gordon Ramsey would implode! What I would say about this, is that it's a great lesson in gratitude. How easy life is when you'll eat 'anything' and all food is a treat. Nothing will teach you a new style of cooking quite like autism. It provides a new way of viewing food, that I find artistic, but a lot would find annoying. My son is becoming creative with food and I'm proud that he is finding a way through his sensitivities, even though he still has them.

Don't even start me on schooling! No-one is to blame here, it's a combination of complete lack of understanding (frankly, a course won't teach you about autism) and a lack of both resources and the freedom to do anything about it. It's frustrating and unfortunately tempers do spill over from all sides. They just keep trying to force the round peg into the square hole, because they're certain that'll get results. What they don't seem to know is that the round peg will never be a square peg and nor should it. Results don't come and chaos ensues and still they don't listen to the people who know all about round pegs - they're too busy telling them about the square holes and the results the square pegs are getting. Somewhere amongst the out and out shouting to be heard, a child, a human being, who happens to be born a round peg, gets lost and so too does their education and youth. If this isn't a travesty for the world as a whole, I don't know what is. Still, you get a chance to admire the beauty of the round peg in its round hole at home with your depressed suspended child, while the school buys themselves time to figure out how to squeeze the round peg into a square hole. 

'Friends' come and go as they give up on getting to know the person with autism. In a busy world where fitting in and convenience can be a priority, your child will have no-one on their side. The 'friends' don't understand them, they're not taught to understand them and sometimes they don't even WANT to understand them. Autism becomes the only thing your child knows and experiences - alone - me my disability and I. It's hard for it not to start to define them and you. Like a vacuum sucking you both into a dark void of endless resistance and issues. Every time you find a solution for one thing, a million more appear. You're both tired, you want a day off, but autism doesn't rest and nor can you. 

You'd hope it would get easier as they get older, but it gets harder. No longer under the wonderful watchful eye of Child And Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) you are back to being a round peg in a system set up for square pegs. Out on a limb with just your disability for comfort. Your life passes by in a cruel solid routine of not going out, not able to work, can't cope with college and not able to make plans. Meanwhile, the rest of the world glides by in haze of acceptance. 

My son and I have been through an awful lot, all because he was born as a round peg. Despite this we are stronger than most and we will not let autism beat us. When I say I wouldn't change a thing about him - I mean it. He is perfect as he is. It is the world around us that is imperfect and in need of change. All I ask for this World Autism Awareness Day is that you make you and your children (if you have any) aware of this invisible disability and maybe you can find it in your hearts to befriend someone with who has it and brighten their life. 

Here's to all the round pegs trying to get by in a world set up specifically for square pegs. One day may you be free from expectation and allowed to be the beautiful people that you are. You can teach us all a thing or two, if only we'd let you.

This post is dedicated to my son who is my inspiration, my rock and an amazing addition to this planet. I wouldn't have him any other way.

For more information on Autism and for ways you can help, please visit the National Autistic Society website.


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