It would all mean nothing if I wasn't prepared to do the inner work that accompanies it. It's occurred to me recently that the easier 'surface work' (as I call it) has now all been done. That means the very obvious work, the things that could be spotted at 50 paces, have all started to heal.
Now I'm getting to the proper darkness. The murky, horrible, painful stuff that none of us like to admit exists. In fact a lot of us would be so blind to it, we'd say it doesn't exist for us. Oh, but, it does...it's in there somewhere, lurking....
It all started where it can always be found, in my fear energy. I'm carrying a huge amount of fear that I'm not loved. I should drop it, but it's so familiar I find myself unable to.
Yet I'm living with someone who I've loved for 10 years. Not that time has anything to do with it - you can love someone more for 10 minutes than for 10 years, in some cases.
Examination of this fear has led to so many discoveries about me and my insecurities, of which I have many. Even as a seasoned healer, I don't know where to start. Consumed by the darkness and swallowed by the pain, I haven't been able to communicate what's happening to me.
It goes something like this:
I'm frightened that I might think we're in love, but we're not.
I'm frightened I'm not lovable and loved.
If I'm not loved (or loving) I shouldn't stay.
I'm frightened of endings.
I'm frightened of staying if I'm not meant to.
I'm frightened of staying if this is the sort of inner work it brings.
I'm frightened this relationship is reminding me of my vulnerabilities.
I'm frightened to share this in case I'm the only one.
I'm frightened of being the only one.
I'm frightened there's no-one in this world for me.
I'm frightened if it's just me, I won't survive.
I'm frightened if I do survive, I won't be happy.
I'm frightened this healing is going to end 'us'.
I'm frightened my partner won't join in this healing and it'll separate 'us' and I'll be on my own.
I'm frightened there is no 'us'.
I'm frightened this isn't healing, but an ending in disguise.
I'm frightened if that's true, I'll never love like this again.
I'm frightened that only people who face their own darkness will understand this process.
It seems I'm frightened to be on my own. If you know me, you'll know I love time on my own, but that is entirely different to what I'm talking about.
The fact is, I like that I've got someone I can rely on, someone taking care of me, a guaranteed hug every night, someone I don't have to explain myself to...to some extent someone I don't have to make an effort with.
I've got someone who fascinates me and someone who gently restores the balance when it all goes out of sync.. It's a comfort. And amongst my many fears, I feel I need comfort. We all seek comfort in some form or another.
Where is this healing leading me to? The obvious answer would be a relationship split, since that's where my fear lies. I find myself wondering if we're falling apart to fall back together again, or just falling apart? I can feel it because I'm sensitive. He can't.
I find myself crying at all hours of the day. I find myself crippled with pain at what I'm finding out about myself and the ensuing turmoil. It turns out I'm also frightened of the unknown. Nothing is more frightening than the unknown on my own.
Where fear lies, I often find our biggest breakthroughs. The question is, will we breakthrough or will we breakdown?
Whenever there is healing, there is opportunity for growth and change. The growing pains are just that - painful. The change is often beautiful.
The process can be the hardest one in the world. That's why so many won't do the inner work. At times like these I wish I didn't do the inner work too. I long to go back to sleep, to the safe, sheep-like mentality of a 9-5 job, oblivious to all that holds me back. I find myself envious of those who don't have the hurt. I get angry with my soul for agreeing to this path.
I still find myself doing what I always do now, standing at a crossroads when every direction points to pain. I sometimes doubt I can go on, but deep inside I know that I will. Like some kind of autopilot, my soul will push me through.
Whatever the future holds, I hope I can be honest enough to bare my open wounds for the benefit of all.
Nothing is real but love.
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