Even when I was a little girl I loved weddings. I know most girls do, but as with everything with me, this was a bit more than most.
In the summer holidays I'd eagerly await the ringing of the local church bells at St Marys, West Derby, as this signified a wedding was about to happen. I would run to the village to stand back out the way and watch the bride arrive. I'd take in every detail and I simply adored the energy of the occasion; the excitement, the emotion, the celebration.
St Marys Church, West Derby, Liverpool. Photo credit: Steve Wallace on Flickr.com
Needless to say I had many dreams about what it would feel like to be a bride myself. I'd put my imagination to great use and make huge wedding dresses for my dolls and act out the ceremonies.
My Gold Label Barbie of my most favourite famous bride, Grace Kelly.
I was lucky enough as a very young child to experience being a bridesmaid for my cousin and I remember staring in awe at how beautiful she looked in her pristine dress. I was so excited for when it would be My Day. The thought never occurred to me that I might not get My Day.
Too excited to dress or even hold my basket properly.
Aged about ten, I was upstairs playing wedding Barbie when my mum shouted to me "Your uncles on the phone and he has something to ask you". We (me and my twin sister) dutifully came downstairs and tongue in cheek (knowing the reaction she'd get) my mum calmly said "He's getting married. Would you like to be a bridesmaid?". You can still hear the excited scream somewhere out in space.
I was absolutely besotted with the no expense spared wedding; the fact I got to wear a hooped underskirt like a bride, the brides' veil went on forever and ever glistening under the lights and lighting up my heart each time it did, the smell of the roses in our bouquets, the champagne flowing, the names and date printed on everything, the masses of congratulations and every special moment - all of which will stay with me forever.
As I was starting to feel more grown-up at the time, it felt like one step closer to My Day too. I don't think I even cracked a smile that day, I was so busy taking everything in.
Me just about containing my excitement at wearing a hooped underskirt.
My Nana added fuel to the fire when the Royal Weddings happened. She saved us all the magazine pull-outs and souvenirs and I got to watch the weddings over and over again on TV, whilst declaring that I would be married in a cathedral and that the train of the dress would be as long as the steps leading up to it. I looked through the pull-outs time and again until I came up with a modified design for my own dress. I couldn't wait for it to happen.
Me on my First Holy Communion Day when I loved dressing in a white bride-like dress.
It's no surprise that at the age of sixteen I got engaged, without a ring or proposal, just another trapping in a toxic relationship. It was enough of a carrot to make me stay longer. Thankfully, it was just a carrot and no wedding materialised.
As the years passed, proposals came and went leaving a trail of disasters, unwanted dresses and bills. Dreams broke off at the point of reality.
I even worked as a florist so I could create wedding flowers and after that I worked in an actual Bridal Boutique (neither are the nice easy jobs you'd think they would be!). At every stage of my life I've been involved with weddings.
Most recently those that know me or have been following the blog will know that my imminent wedding last year was cancelled months before it was due to go ahead. The main thing is that we're still together, but the reality is we'll never be married now and that hurts.
Me in what would have been my wedding dress last year.
For a start, it wasn't the first time there's been a halt to the wedding plans, when we first got engaged we were forced to stop the plans by my partners ex - we should have stood up to her but for whatever reason, we didn't, and this really took the wind out my sails, so much so that I didn't pick back up with the organising of it until a couple of years later. Then, there's just the feeling that we can't go there again - it somehow feels tainted and has lost its momentum and its meaning.
The hilarious thing is that I don't even know how I feel about marriage - you mention marriage to me and I start thinking about divorce and the lasting hurt that has. God, I'm weird! I don't know why I do this, as my parents and most of my friends are all still happily married.
There is nothing worse though than people who once loved each other, arguing and going all out to "take them to the cleaners". Where love once was, all that remains is bitterness and a sense of entitlement to material things: a strange competition for who comes out on top, that's not measured by dignity, humility and grace but by who gets the most money and settles down with someone else first. Surely, there are more peaceful resolutions? You can't say how you'd act if you were that hurt, but I like to think, like other situations in my life, I would rise above. So, you could say that I'm frightened of what I might become, rather than divorce itself.
For this reason, I much prefer Handfastings and other commitment ceremonies where you announce and celebrate your commitment to each other, but don't come away with any legal obligations and/or a high horse for if things don't work out.
Me as a Bridesmaid for my gorgeous friends' wedding.
Me as a Bridesmaid with our fab mum on my lovely sisters' wedding day.
As with all things in my life, I have created entirely the reality of it and I accept that fully but I can't help but feel disappointed with my results even though it's clear where I'm going wrong.
The Cathedral at Liverpool, where I used to dream of dragging a huge train up the steps.
I don't know if I'll ever get over my obsession or my fear, but I do know that at thirty-seven, it's unlikely I'll ever have that cathedral wedding. On the plus side, I'll never get divorced. Every cloud.
Need a bridesmaid? Hit me up!
Every healing experience I share on my blog comes with some degree of difficulty to write about because I write with such an open heart, but this one in particular was hard for me to admit and face up to, so I hope it is received in the spirit it is meant.
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