How people choose to bring up their children is incredibly unique and personal. Some more unique than others...we've all witnessed THAT parent swearing at or even hitting their child in public.
No matter how bad it looks or what anyone has done, you can be sure the parent is doing their best at that time. There may also be karmic or Soul Contract reasons for their behaviour, that we know nothing about and have no right to judge.
The truth is, we mostly learn to be parents by being parents and so we get better with time, rather than being good at it when there's a need to be.
Over the years collectively we change the way parenting looks. What was considered 'right' years ago, isn't now and so on...
My parents taught me so much and though I was often taught the hard way, I'm grateful for all they've done for me. Below are 10 lessons that I believe brought about early soul evolution within me and for that I'm particularly grateful for:
1) Independance. My parents have never disempowered me by 'fixing' things for me. This lesson carried right through to my adulthood, though they act as a sounding board when I have problems, they will never step in, take over and sort these problems for me. The beauty of this is that I don't need them to - because they taught me not to need them to. On a practical level, though devastating, when they die, I'll be able to cope with any of life's issues without them.
2) Manners and gratitude. This isn't just about going through the notions, it's about being taught to care about the effect I have on others. My parents taught me to be considerate and more importantly, they taught me why. My mum would talk me through what people did for me so I understood any sacrifices made and would be appropriately grateful. In this busy life, things can get taken for granted easily and this foundation helps me not to do that.
A lot of children barely utter the word "thanks" these days and even less mean it.
3) To be myself. This was especially hard since I'm a twin. From the start our parents let us choose our own clothes which paved the way for us having our own identity. My mum used to say "You're not a doll for me to dress up. You're a human being." If I liked something different I was praised for it. When I got teased for being me (different), I was always offered reassurance that there was nothing wrong with me. I wasn't allowed to do grown up things when I was a child and this further reinforced that it was OK to be me and not a grown up.
Peer pressure to be more grown up than you are, to look a certain way and to do certain things, is worse than ever, since children have access to it all day and night. They're a marketer's dream. Plus, parents don't want their children to be left out or stand out. My question is...why not? Our uniqueness is what makes us who we are.
4) All people matter. I was never a 'princess'. I wasn't allowed to get too big for my boots, or for the world to revolve around me. I was taught that everyone matters and that I'm not any better or worse than others. My mum is an empath like me and she used this quality to teach me about other people, rather than focusing on myself all the time. I was given the skill of understanding myself in relation to others and being down to earth as a consequence.
I was taught to be kind to everyone. This was especially true with family. I wasn't allowed to be mean to my siblings. This showed me that all people and their feelings are relevant and matter. If you can't get away with it at home, then you won't try and get away with it outside of home.
With the joy of a new arrival, it's easy to put the baby on a pedestal and then very hard to take them down thereafter. If we don't take them down, it leads to self-centred adults who can't cope in a world that isn't all about them. Not that children shouldn't be loved and celebrated, just that there's a fine line between that and adulation, which is unhealthy.
5) Mistakes are good. If you're a regular reader of my blog, you'll know what I'm a serial mistake maker. What better way to learn? I believe mistakes aren't even mistakes, they're necessary growth spurts on way to our purpose. I wouldn't be capable of knowing that, if I hadn't been allowed to go my own way, do my own thing and make mistakes.
So often, parents have it all planned out for their children, usually something like this....school, college (part-time job), uni (travel if they're privileged), predictable 'good' job, marriage, 2.4 children. Nice safe, mistake-free plan, there's nothing wrong with wanting what we perceive to be 'best' for our children, but it's hardly entrepreneurial. It doesn't encourage the person to really live life to the fullest or to discover their true potential.
A bit like keeping them in a playpen for the rest of their lives, for fear of what they might encounter in the playroom.
6) Presents and money don't make you happy. They can bring temporary joy and excitement, which feels like happiness to those who haven't experienced real happiness. I never got expensive gifts or lots of presents. I got just as excited as other children at xmas and birthdays and have many good memories from these, which are connected to sustainable things such as good times with family and friends - not what I 'got'.
My parents didn't allow me to equate belongings to my self esteem and this has stood me in good stead as an adult. As we all know money and gifts come and go. I don't hang my hopes for happiness on external factors and this is purely down my early life experiences.
These days a lot of parents only seem to be (fake) happy if they're indulging their children in some 'over the top' way. If parents themselves can't be happy without the grand gesture, how can they expect their children to even be satisfied, let alone, happy? The large gift pit is a never ending hole that can't be filled and distracts you from real happiness. So, why start the pit in the first place?
7) Boundaries and respect. What my mum and dad said, went. I'm a rebellious soul with strong ideals so my parents had a torrid time trying to enforce their boundaries. Credit to them, though, they did enforce them at all costs. It taught me to be more careful what battles I chose and to listen to and to respect people.
These days some parents want their children to like them, not respect them. No-one wants to set tough rules that go against their childrens upper most wishes. Instead, it's all about fun, fun, fun and keeping the child from any disappointment whatsoever, which is great, but unfortunately, we live in a world full of rules that have to be obeyed and there will always be disappointments. You can't expect kids that have never had boundaries to react well to a world full of rules and disappointment, as adults.
Instead there's often a kind of silent agreement between parent and child that the rules will be ones that are easy for the children to obey, to save from any confrontation or difficulty. There's often also no reprisal for children that go against set rules and this too is not going to help them later in life.
8) Responsibility. If I did something wrong, I made up for it and I don't mean I got grounded - I mean, I found a way to make right what I did wrong. My parents have never helped me to the point that I'm not really doing things for myself. In fact anything I did, I took responsibility for it. Whether that meant I got punished or praised or just outright lumbered with tasks to do, it happened. This gave me the self belief that I could do anything, after all, my parents wouldn't leave it all to me if I wasn't capable.
I don't believe anything in my life is anybody elses responsibility and that belief empowers me way beyond the easiness of not taking responsibility.
Often people teach children that anything they don't like in life, is someone elses fault. This isn't the case, since our whole world is a reflection, a lesson, on who we are internally. Only when we take full responsibility can we change things.
9) It's good to give. From a young age I was taught to give and to share. Sharing my birthday with my sister helped a lot with this as I learnt to share her joy and not to only think of myself.
I did volunteer work for charities from a very young age and I loved it. I like helping people and this was encouraged. I was taught that being mean and defensive, is no defence at all.
We live in a world where children are often encouraged to be hard, to hit back, to never give to anyone or forgive and this turns the whole world hard and we can't live like that, since everything we do is connected. A different perspective, would get a different outcome, more of the same... generates...more of the same.
If one person suffers, we all suffer, as that suffering energy lingers and prevents us from experiencing good vibes and the good things that come with those vibes.
10) Emotions are normal and ok. I wasn't really allowed to watch TV since it's a false representation of life and my astute parents knew that. Instead I learnt about people and their emotions the real way - in the home. My parents didn't hide their emotions. If they were sad - they cried, happy - they smiled, angry - they shouted.
This taught me the full range of emotions and that it's safe to feel them and admit to them.
When a pet died, it died. No-one went rushing out to the pet shop to get a look-a-like and pretend it didn't happen. No-one desperately tried to stop me from feeling sad about it with distractions and replacements. I felt every bit of pain and this taught me that I can survive anything because emotions are just markers that show us what to do next in life.
Many parents are so desperate for their children to only experience what they perceive to be 'good' emotions, that they go out their way to try and create a fairytale life for them filled with everything they could ever dream of. This is not real life and as such it is not preparation for the real world.
You can see from my list that I had quite an extreme upbringing, that it was full of lessons - both for my parents and me. However, I'm so grateful, as that childhood has given me such good life skills and coping techniques.
To find happiness in this dual universe you need harmony and for that you need to experience extremes, so you can then find your balance point - the bit in the middle that is true to you. By allowing me to experience extremes, my parents allowed me to find true happiness.
So many times now parents shelter their children and won't allow them any extremes apart from joy. It's impossible for this to lead to happiness as the polarity driven universe won't allow it that way.
I hope our collective way of parenting brings about change back to some of the old fashioned ways, so we can have less spoilt adults that don't cope well with life and more well rounded adults that are unique and enabled to create a better world for us all to live in.
Predictably, this blog post is dedicated to my mum and dad for being awesome at the hardest job in the world - parenting. Thank you.
More like this:
The Day My Nana Passed Away
Me, My Grandad and I
We Live and We Learn
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