None more so than my grandad from my mums side.
When I was little and we'd visit, I'd sit quietly taking in the family dynamics; I was more sensitive than most and would try to place where I fitted in amongst the family setting. You could call me The Black Sheep of the family, I've always had a strong desire to go my own way, buck the trend, break the taboo...
I'd find myself saying or doing the wrong thing or being misunderstood time and again. At times like these I would come across a place that felt like shelter and that place was grandad. It was a silent hand hold, a wink or a funny face at me when no-one was looking, a squeeze of my shoulder as he went past or choosing me to help him in the kitchen.
I'd help him make tea and as he was such a joker, he'd get me to stir the brew three times and bang the cup with the spoon twice to get the "best blend" - a practice I believed to be true for far too long!
Even though I loved going to see him, I used to cry when I went to stay there as I hated change to my routine, something he found funny and would try to get me to laugh too. He never tried to change me though. He loved me as I was and I knew it. He laughed even more when I used to cry when I left after staying.
He created a routine of our own so me and my sister didn't have to worry. We'd go to the video shop to pick a film out and we'd pick the same videos every time. He would gently try to persuade us to be brave and try a different film, but would simply laugh when we chose Annie and The Sound of Music AGAIN!
Me and my grandad at the Christmas family meal.
Everything was fun with him because he never stopped joking and refused to see the serious side of life. This was the perfect balance to my hyper sensitivity and I used to wish I'd grow up to be like him.
My uncle, my grandad and me at my other uncles wedding.
The last time I ever danced with my grandad.
For a while he was in the Freemasons and when he was promoted, he held a Ladies Evening. I was so excited as it felt like other people could see how important my grandad was, otherwise, why would they have promoted him? I was only about 10 years old. He made me and my sister the Ladies of the Evening. It was like confirmation that he thought we were awesome and I was so excited to be part of it. Secretly he told me it was a load of rubbish and fuss for nothing. It was very like him to keep even the most grand thing down to earth. He left them not long after as he found it too money oriented.
Once we moved away from Liverpool, weekly visits were no longer possible. I went my own way and though it was clearly a 'bad' way to go, he let me, knowing it was for my greater good. He always let me return when I needed him and never questioned me on it. My safe place was always reserved.
In later years when nana passed away, I took up weekly phone calls with him and this is when I got to know him best of all.
Not only did he have a heart of gold, helping people out for free, but he also had a positivity and acceptance of life that many seek but never find.
He was a healer, a teacher and also was psychic like his parents, though he never pursued them as a career as he didn't want money and was content with what little he had.
At a time when I was a very poor single mum with little prospects and often not enough to pay the bills as well as eat, he was a great example to me that no matter how little you have materially, you always have something to give.
In my early twenties, he told me that when you die your soul goes on and that without the physical body you can manifest much quicker anything you want. He added the caveat that you wouldn't want anything because there is such bliss after death. He said it was like waving someone off on a boat to go on holiday, when they leave you can't see them, but you know they still exist and that they're having fun. I was fascinated.
Grandad on one of his holidays that he loved to go on with my aunty and uncle.
I decided to follow his example and started a more spiritual life, looked for the positives and stopped resenting that I was working my butt off for next to no money. The change in my outlook sparked a change in my life, of course. So, whether it was conscious or not, he gifted me a better life through empowerment.
He encouraged my spiritual growth and he was very pleased when I followed in his steps as a healer, telling me to "try it as a job" and "don't have any regrets".
Unfortunately, by this stage he had lost his eyesight as well as his health. Typical of him to have a deaf rescue dog when he himself was blind.
I was privileged enough to be able to give him reiki whilst he prepared to leave his body. One time he was out of it from the drugs he was on and wasn't making much sense. There was a break in this - a moment of clarity - he stopped and said "Thank you, Louey". This was the nickname he gave me when I was little. Somehow I knew that was him saying goodbye. I had lots to say, but I said nothing and allowed him to carry on his journey peacefully instead.
Grandad sailed on his ship on 11th October 2014 and can hereby be contacted via postcards from Heaven only.
When he passed I felt alone and misunderstood again, but he came through like he always did. He's been giving me healing and has joined in sometimes when I've given healing. He told me he is my Guide now. I've seen more of him recently than I did when he was in his physical form. If you see me laughing for no reason, it'll be because grandad is telling me a joke or taking the mickey.
A card I selected after grandad told me he was one of my Guides.
Grandad was the glue of the family. He insisted on organising a family meal every Christmas, so we would all stay in touch. He always knew what everyone was up to and he would keep us all up to date. I hope to organise a meal this year to carry on his tradition.
I realised when I went through the photos that I always sat next to grandad at family get togethers. It wasn't a deliberate thing but we sat together at all of them. I may leave the place next to me empty this year as a tribute to the fact that no-one can take his place.
This man gave so much to me and others, he lived a simple life, wasn't remotely materialistic, but was positive and happy. A lot can be learned from this approach.
Thank you grandad from my healing bereaved heart, for understanding me without words, accepting me both without and through change, teaching by example and comforting me without the need to ask. Until our ships meet again....
More like this:
The Day My Nana Passed Away
We Live and We Learn
10 Lessons in Parenting That my Parents Taught Me
Bereavement - Fighting Your Way Out of The Dark
