Warning: If you are a survivor of abuse of any kind, or just a sensitive soul, this post may be a trigger. Please only read on if you're in a very good place.
It's been many years since I was last raped. I should be over it by now. Should be. I should feel strong because I've survived, because I've come so far. Should do.
I know it will never happen again, so I shouldn't flinch every time I meet a new man. Shouldn't.
I should be able to choose a film to watch without having to check the content first. I should be able to watch the rape scene, it only insinuates what happens - it doesn't come close to the reality. Should be able to.
I shouldn't spend the rest of my life feeling ugly and unworthy. I should love the body I'm in. Should.
I should find it in my heart to forgive. I should.
I should have a day where I don't replay the many attacks I suffered and question why. I shouldn't waste my time wondering if they ever do the same. Shouldn't.
If it happens that many times, it's your own fault. It's my own fault.
I shouldn't blame myself. I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't?
I did what I could at the time to stop it. I did.
My best wasn't good enough. It wasn't enough.
I should stop searching for the pieces of me that were taken. I should.
I should know that I'm always safe. I should.
Clothes shopping should be fun, not a chore to keep me covered up but fitting in with fashion and other girls. I shouldn't be too ashamed for anyone to think I made an effort to look good. I shouldn't be.
A word, an action, a movement from someone shouldn't make me freeze with fear. It shouldn't.
I should believe in myself more. I know I deserve better. I know it.
They can't hurt me now. They can't?
I control what happens to me and how I feel about it. I control it?
I should sleep soundly every night and not have nightmares. I should.
My first waking feeling shouldn't be one of shame for who I am and how they've moulded me. It shouldn't be.
I should be able to report them and know justice will be done. I should.
I should recognise and navigate the healing journey with ease. I should.
I shouldn't get upset at how the media portrays women. It shouldn't worry me that there's a culture of rape jokes and pressure on women to join in or be seen as unattractive. I shouldn't lose my sense of humour? I shouldn't?
I should know time heals everything. It's been years and years. I just need to take every long drawn out day as it comes. I do.
I shouldn't feel uncomfortable with a room full of strangers, as if they know I'm tarnished and not 'normal'. I shouldn't.
I shouldn't have written this like some kind of victim. I shouldn't remind people of their own vulnerability and pain. I shouldn't.
I shouldn't secretly hope that rapists read it and change. It's pointless and I shouldn't.
I should be over it by now so no-one has to worry. They don't have to worry.
I should find joy in each moment. I should.
I shouldn't hide this from everyone like everything is OK. I've forgotten what OK is. I've forgotten.
I should have made sense of it all by now. I should have, but I'm still picking up the pieces.
I know everything happens for a reason. I know.
I believe in the balance of experience for the soul (karma). I believe.
I can see the divine in everything. I can see it.
I have grown immensely through all of this. I have.
Every day I get closer to forgiving. Every day.
I'm getting better at loving myself. I am.
I let more people in than ever before. I do.
I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't been through this. I wouldn't.
I stand up for myself more. I do.
I'm making progress all the time. I am.
One day I will be free. I will.
Because of this, I am able to help people. I am a better healer myself. I am.
I will keep going and I won't give up. I won't.
Where there's a will, there's a way. I have the will. If only I knew the way.
I have fleeting moments where I think death is preferable. I must be depressed and need a pill. I must be.
I must be crazy to still hurt like this. Must be.
It's good to let it all out. I'm letting it all out.
I can use this for the greater good. I can.
I'm picking up the pieces that were violently ripped out of me and trampled on many times, many years ago. As if I didn't count. I didn't get a say about me and my body. I didn't get to control what happened to me. I didn't get to have power. I didn't get heard. I wasn't worth it. I was such a bad person that I was chosen to be damaged like that. I was picked on. I was used and forgotten about. I was hurt. Still am.
Rape survivors need a voice. Can you hear me?
Written on an ordinary day dealing with the aftermath of rape.
Every day women, men and children all over the globe are raped. There is little to no support available. Justice is almost impossible to prevail. Healing is complex and has no real end. There isn't anything like enough services to deal with the demand.
It took a tremendous amount of courage to write about life after rape and publish it. If you read this blog post please would you consider donating any amount here to Rape Crisis, a charity that helps and supports rape survivors. https://www.justgiving.com/Louise-Hall10
There is little understanding of the subject. Rapists walk free and commit again and again because they know as well as their victims do, it can't be proven, no-one wants to know, no-one wants to get caught up in the mess left behind. Who can blame them? One place that can help if you or someone you know needs support is http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
My hope is that in writing this a greater understanding will be met; that I will heal some more and maybe start a healing process in others, that some funds will be raised for charity and that the taboo of rape and life after it will be broken. Please help if you can.
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Silence Speaks a Thousand Words
Moving House is One of the Most Stressful Things in Life?
International Day for Eliminating Violence Against Women
Fear - The Enemy Within
