The Day My Nana Passed Away

I have the sort of mother who is selfless enough to stand back and allow me to make my own judgements, be myself and make my own experiences to grow. This has always been the case. My nana on the other hand wanted me to be a certain way, look and act a certain way. Both were straight from the heart and for the highest intentions. I'm so blessed to still have my mum in my life and to have had my nana, especially with such different personalities to learn from.

I desperately wanted to be as glamorous as my nana that had a new outfit for every occasion, including shoes and bag - today's WAG's would fear her as major competition! My nana wanted me to be a model and I wanted to fulfil this too: parading up and down the front room, practicing my pout to her applause. However, at the ripe old age of 12, I chose to become vegetarian and my mother in her selfless way, let me. Show me a tall vegetarian! I'm far too short to be a model and I'm too short for my weight too. So sorry to disappoint, nana, but mum will be pleased that I made my own choice and stuck to it.

My nana was a strong and definite woman, the head of the family, as is the case in many a scouse family - what the head female says...goes! You don't mess with your scouse women and my nana was no exception. Her key phrase was "scratch her eyes out" referring to anyone who didn't play along with the agenda. This was a woman you would want on your side and I was so lucky that she was on mine. She had a warm heart and my best toys all came from her, those tacky dolls you get when abroad; frilly dresses from down the market that made me feel like one of the black and white movie stars she watched, Barbie, musical boxes…oh loads of tat, but the sort you love as a kid. She knew how to rock my world and she did it.

The sad thing was she was also seriously ill and disabled, not that you could tell, she had more fire in her than anyone I’ve ever and probably will ever know. In fact you could say her fire was her disability, no balance… all roaring fire. I loved this about her and wanted to be as extrovert as her and as willing to stand up for myself as her. In reality I was introvert and a door mat. Again, sorry, nana.

A lot of my time spent with her was in hospital and we never knew if this was the time she wouldn’t return home. She defied Doctors every time and would say “I’m not going (to die) until I want to”. One particular night she was very poorly in hospital and my parents had rushed to go and see her. My son was in bed and I was alone in my front room waiting for news. The room went freezing cold and I felt my nana float up past me, I had a terrible sense that something was amiss. The phone rang causing me to jump sky high; it was my grandad wanting to know where my mum was as she wasn’t answering her phone. I explained they were on their way to the hospital and sadly my grandad confirmed that they were too late, my nana had passed a moment ago.

That night I went to bed heartbroken as despite me moving away and certainly as a teenager not seeing as much of her as I would have wanted, she was such an inspiration and influence on me that I felt the loss through every part of my being. I curled up in a ball of pain and grief hoping the duvet would offer some comfort. It didn’t. Instead the freezing cold came again and I felt my nana climb onto the bed and hold me, she also told me to “stop being soft your mum needs you now!”. Wise words. Then she left and I continued my sorrow riddled state through the night.

At her funeral we were all asked to close our eyes and remember her – the good times, of course. I was sat next to my great aunty Rose (my nana’s sister) and I instinctively turned to look at her instead for comfort. She whispered would I like to be held by nana one last time and I nodded. Rose took me in her arms and brought my nana through to me, taking on her physical form. Rose wasn’t like my nana but it was my nana that hugged me, in shape, size and feel. I was reeling from the experience and full of questions about how I’d known my nana passed, how I felt my nana in my room and now this….

Rose later told me she was a psychic medium with her own circle and a spiritualist lending library. It was the start of me building my own knowledge and beliefs in spiritualism. Although, it is my Grandad who has taught me the most on the subject and to whom I give credit.

As Rose left, I hugged her one last time and she held my hands and told me my nana wanted me to have strength. As she touched my hand she said “take her strength, she wants you to have it” and “find your own evidence”. I felt my nana with me and indeed her incredible strength.

My nana now comes to me in times of need and guidance. This is most handy as I’m a giving person and will forgive anyone anything, but sometimes I do need to protect myself from people taking of advantage of this. I don’t believe anyone would knowingly take advantage, but some people just expect to get away with more with me because I’m kind. It’s those times that she shows up, full of fire and guides me or just gives me the push needed to stick to my boundaries.

With her support I am growing all the time and I hope to build more secure boundaries that allow me to be true to myself the way my mum wants me to, but not to allow people to only take from me, the way my nana wouldn’t want them to.

Whoever you’ve lost from your life there is a piece of them with you in your soul and consciousness and you can access them any time.

When the journey together on this planet ends, have faith that another day you’ll be re-united and may well start another journey together in another life.

This blog post is dedicated to my mum, my nana and all the strong empowered women in my life. To those who have gifted me experience, to those that have made me grow and to those that continue to be an inspiration and support to me. Thank you. 

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Me My House And I

Hello and welcome to the new readers from Switzerland, it's lovely to have you join us all.

Me My House And I

At the tender age of eighteen I left home for Exeter to try and get away from the abuse and fear that resided in Preston. Not long after this I had my only child, after another disastrous relationship broke up following a scary episode in Exeter, which ended with my life being seriously threatened. Another story for another time...

I was lucky enough to have good family, my amazing uncle who rescued me from Exeter and my long-suffering immediate family who welcomed me back with open arms.  All I will say on this subject is - don't mess with scouse families!!!

Photo taken from FinePix

Once I had my baby it was time to start acting like an adult, something that had completely eluded me up until then. They say nothing prepares you for parenthood, well, I say nothing prepares you for life and when life 'happens' you have to embrace it and strive to always do your best no matter what the situation. 

My babys' father was AWOL (this is a blessing, but one of those you can't see at the time) but we were lucky enough to be offered a house by the local Housing Association and one that was on a private road, in a good area, so we were really grateful for that.

With next to no belongings and an understanding family I was able to go and look at the house straight away. I enlisted help to get it into shape before moving in.

I excitedly headed down the path and although I had been warned that the house was in disarray, I didn't care, as it was going to be our home and it represented a new start for us.

As soon as the front door opened I had the most terrible feeling that someone had been hurt and abused in there. I could barely step foot in the place. Domestic violence was thick in the air. You've heard the expression you could cut the air with a knife? Well, you could, yet no-one was there.

Everyone tried to reassure me that the house would clean up and a lick of paint would see it right. It looked so much better after we spent some time sorting it out - weeks actually, as it was in such a state - you wouldn't get away with putting a young family in a house like that these days. 

I was still ill at ease with the house and my baby wouldn't settle at all either. Perhaps he was picking up on my feelings or perhaps he was picking up on the house feeling.

Safe to say I've had nothing but trouble with this house, which I've never been able to move from. Every time I get close to a move (twice I've been let down at exchange of contracts when trying to move), something happens and there is no way that I can move. In addition, relationships, as you know from a previous post were abusive and broke down, so many issues with the building that can't be explained...The kitchen ceiling has collapsed twice with no reason known; we've had the smell of sewage/rot so bad that returns all the time, Environmental Health and Dyno-Rod have been. Experts have been under the house, cameras, dyes, you name it...no explanation and no cure!

One particular time following another freak repair, insurance was involved and the carpet fitter told me he knew two previous families who lived at the house and that they had been cursed whilst living here. He told me that now they've moved they have wonderful lives, but their lives were awful whilst living in this house. I forgot to thank him for his comforting words!

I do believe in taking responsibility for your own life and everything that happens, using The Laws Of Attraction to manifest good around you, but despite my incredibly positive ways, it's fair to say in this house we've been dogged by bad luck.

Enough was enough and I decided to enlist help, contacting a Space-Clearing expert in the area. For those that don't know, space-clearing is the art of clearing away negative energy and imprints in buildings that can cause bad luck/misfortune. This wonderful lady sensed the same as me without being told anything. She used Divining Rods (for dowsing) to source what is wrong and it turns out there's a male spirit (negative entity) plus lots of negative energy left-over from all the bad things that kept happening.

This wonderful lady is coming to do the space-clearing on Saturday and I will let you all know how it goes. I can't wait for the fresh start and the catalyst to moving on to pastures new.

To arrange for space-clearing of your home or business you can contact Jayne here:

http://www.complementary-healthcentre.co.uk/

These are the cards that I drew to advise how the space-clearing will go:

  This is the card for the past representing the need to take back power.

 This card is for the current and represents the need to connect with the Divine. It shows that there is a loved one who has passed who is watching over me. I know who the 'loved one' is as I have had experiences of them here in the house, which I will write about another time. I do not want them around.

 This represents the future and tells that the new space will be a great place for creating spiritual community and helping others, where previously there has been despair.

I'll finish by saying that during my lonelier years in this house, my spirit grew immensely. I was guided greatly by my grandad, who I have learnt so much from and continue to learn from to this day. He and his parents where Spiritualists (in fact my grandad used to be a healer) and it was in my darker days alone in this house that I started to learn about The Occult and to find "my own evidence". I will be posting soon about the Circle (Seance) that my Great Grandparents used to host at their home in Liverpool and the book my Grandad has given me featuring their channeled messages from Spirit. 

We need both good and bad in our lives to create balance and teach us lessons, but with so much 'bad' it is time now for me to embrace the 'good' to re-store balance. I still look forward to the lessons each day brings me. 

Written with gratitude to all those who helped get the house sorted one way or another and those who supported me through my darker days alone in the house. 

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