World Autism Awareness Day 2014

As a parent to a son who is autistic I wanted to write something for WAAD. 

At first I wanted to write solely about the struggle and pain this disability causes not only for the sufferer, but also for the family of the sufferer. However, there is beauty in all things and autism is no different, so instead I'm going to write from a unique view point and hopefully this will help raise awareness of autism and what it can be like to live with someone who has it.

You see, every cloud has a silver lining. I honestly wouldn't change a thing about my son. Yes, I wish life was easier for both of us, but in a way, it wouldn't be my son if that was the case. He is probably my greatest teacher and I owe him a lot for that.

Photo credit Andreanavarro33 DeviantArt

From day one my son never slept, as most people with autism don't, due to the amount of data their senses receive constantly, it's nigh impossible to sleep. I would pace up and down my mum and dads hallway with him trying to calm him down and this would continue through to the next day and night and so on...there is no sleep in him. Even now. As a lover of sleep this has always been tricky for me to deal with. So, I could focus on how tired it made us and the exhaustion on the walks to nursery and then on to work, but instead I'm going to tell you the good bit...nothing will bond you and your child more than going through the same thing together - even if that 'thing' is not sleeping. Not to mention we were spending pretty much double the time together, if not more, than other parents were with their children. I'm not taking away from other parents here - if we could have slept we would have done too. It's just if you don't look for the good in these situations, you will go insane. 

As a single parent this meant I really was spending all my time with him, but there's no-one I would have rather spent that time with.

Anyone with an autistic child will know that going public places is often a challenge. As the disability is 'invisible' and the overload on the childs' senses and the lack of predictability can trigger a trauma in them, they're often perceived by people as being 'naughty'. Cue plenty of tutting and every child rearing expert known to man giving you advice on where you're going wrong. Well, I just love this!  A chance to have a reasoned debate on the challenging behaviours of autism and the lack of understanding from the general public. Fab! A few sentences later and the 'experts' disappear with their tail between their legs. Tut.

Likewise, whilst most kids run wild at parties, stuff themselves and make themselves sick, you'll usually find an autistic child will be hiding under the table with their hands over their ears and wishing it would hurry up and end. OK, so this feels sad, they're missing out on childhood. However, on the plus side you never have to teach them how to act dignified at raucous parties - it's sort of something they can already see and do. A strange kind of inbuilt maturity. The time comes when your child no longer gets invited to the parties. This is the best thing of all, as in all honesty, would you want your child mixing with children who are being taught to be unaccepting in such a way? Where's the lesson of humility and togetherness? And at least your child doesn't have to be forced to go into what is actually a scary environment for them.

You have to fight to keep your autistic child a part of every day life. You can't let them slip away and tune out, though they want to do this. This is why it is so important to raise awareness to make every day life easier to be a part of, instead of it being easier to turn and run.  

Where as food is normally a pleasure for most, it's frankly, a minefield for people with autism. They're generally extra sensitive and like to have things 'just so' in this department - as in, cooked in a certain way and served a particular way and maybe grouped in a specific way. Jamie Oliver would struggle to please them and Gordon Ramsey would implode! What I would say about this, is that it's a great lesson in gratitude. How easy life is when you'll eat 'anything' and all food is a treat. Nothing will teach you a new style of cooking quite like autism. It provides a new way of viewing food, that I find artistic, but a lot would find annoying. My son is becoming creative with food and I'm proud that he is finding a way through his sensitivities, even though he still has them.

Don't even start me on schooling! No-one is to blame here, it's a combination of complete lack of understanding (frankly, a course won't teach you about autism) and a lack of both resources and the freedom to do anything about it. It's frustrating and unfortunately tempers do spill over from all sides. They just keep trying to force the round peg into the square hole, because they're certain that'll get results. What they don't seem to know is that the round peg will never be a square peg and nor should it. Results don't come and chaos ensues and still they don't listen to the people who know all about round pegs - they're too busy telling them about the square holes and the results the square pegs are getting. Somewhere amongst the out and out shouting to be heard, a child, a human being, who happens to be born a round peg, gets lost and so too does their education and youth. If this isn't a travesty for the world as a whole, I don't know what is. Still, you get a chance to admire the beauty of the round peg in its round hole at home with your depressed suspended child, while the school buys themselves time to figure out how to squeeze the round peg into a square hole. 

'Friends' come and go as they give up on getting to know the person with autism. In a busy world where fitting in and convenience can be a priority, your child will have no-one on their side. The 'friends' don't understand them, they're not taught to understand them and sometimes they don't even WANT to understand them. Autism becomes the only thing your child knows and experiences - alone - me my disability and I. It's hard for it not to start to define them and you. Like a vacuum sucking you both into a dark void of endless resistance and issues. Every time you find a solution for one thing, a million more appear. You're both tired, you want a day off, but autism doesn't rest and nor can you. 

You'd hope it would get easier as they get older, but it gets harder. No longer under the wonderful watchful eye of Child And Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) you are back to being a round peg in a system set up for square pegs. Out on a limb with just your disability for comfort. Your life passes by in a cruel solid routine of not going out, not able to work, can't cope with college and not able to make plans. Meanwhile, the rest of the world glides by in haze of acceptance. 

My son and I have been through an awful lot, all because he was born as a round peg. Despite this we are stronger than most and we will not let autism beat us. When I say I wouldn't change a thing about him - I mean it. He is perfect as he is. It is the world around us that is imperfect and in need of change. All I ask for this World Autism Awareness Day is that you make you and your children (if you have any) aware of this invisible disability and maybe you can find it in your hearts to befriend someone with who has it and brighten their life. 

Here's to all the round pegs trying to get by in a world set up specifically for square pegs. One day may you be free from expectation and allowed to be the beautiful people that you are. You can teach us all a thing or two, if only we'd let you.

This post is dedicated to my son who is my inspiration, my rock and an amazing addition to this planet. I wouldn't have him any other way.

For more information on Autism and for ways you can help, please visit the National Autistic Society website.


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The Roles I Played In Some of My Past Lives

If you’re a follower of my blog you’ll already know about my beliefs re past lives. Click on the link below to see my original article on them: http://http://

Past Lives: How the Past is an Illusion that Can Affect the Future

My curiosity about my own past lives recently led me to a Past Life Viewing held local to me. The viewings are different to actual regression as it’s more like seeing yourself on a film than going back there emotionally.

The night was facilitated by two lovely ladies, Claire and Eleanor, who had everyone there at ease and it made for a relaxed and insightful night.

It was as simple as doing a quick guided meditation, having your third eye activated and placing coloured ribbons round your past life chakras located at the back of your head. 

Here I will give descriptions of each of the lives I saw with the different ribbons and my thoughts on them. The blog post might be longer than normal due to this, but I’ll write in such a way that you can dip in and out of it at any time and read up on a new life when you have time. We viewed nine lives in total, rather like cats. 

Blue Ribbon

In this life I looked like a Gnome or a fat Elf at first. I was a bit puzzled by this. Then I heard the word ‘Druid’ and it clicked.

I was wearing a brown crooked pointy hat, brown gown, green and white striped tights and brown winkle pickers. It felt like I had a very important job to get done very quickly. The job had something to do with a huge brown leather bound book, that I had on the table in my tree house.

We came out of that life before I could find out more about the important book that was bothering me.

Eleanor asked how it related to my life now and I must admit I’m better at dealing with big tasks as opposed to lots of different tasks.  

 White Ribbon

This was one of my favourite lives and I felt so happy and content that I didn't want to come back.

I was a young girl with long dark hair. My uniform was made up of a blue head scarf, white top and blue skirt. 

The place I was in was some kind of a religious or spiritual school; I assumed it was a nunnery. It had connections with healing and helping people and I loved this work that we were doing.

The building looked like it was made of sandstone and maybe terracotta tiles. It was red hot with a beautiful blue sky. It felt like the south of France. My days were planned in advance and all I had to think about was helping others.

Perhaps the most obvious connection to this life is the healing aspect. Today I am a healer, facilitating healing in others through reiki, sound, writing and thought provoking. 

Yellow Ribbon

This life was a bit of a shock and it took me a while to adjust and work out what was going on.

I was wearing a dark green army uniform. I was high ranking and on a balcony over looking a huge army as it paraded. The glimpse didn't give me enough to know what army I was in, but it felt Japanese. As I looked to my left I recognised the soul of my son, Dan. I don't know what relation he was to me. I felt quite hierarchical in this like I was very much in charge.

So, this was another life where I had a seemingly important job. I have to say though I didn't seem too impressed with the soldiers I was looking out on. I can only imagine the karma I brought after this life!

Red Ribbon

This was one of my least favourite lives to look back on - I was literally cringing!

In this life I was a pompous letch of a man. It felt like I was in France. I was wearing white tights, a huge white wig, black jacket with gold trim and was sporting a fake beauty spot. Ugh. I was stood in a very grand ballroom perusing the corseted ladies and deciding who I could take advantage of. I felt sick at my old self. I felt like I was in authority and I used this to get up to no good. Ooh la la!

Anyone who follows my blog will know that karma for these actions has come round in this life and taught me a lesson or two.

 Green Ribbon

I have been told of this life before.

I was the most beautiful and graceful Japanese lady, gliding along the floor as if I didn't touch it, let alone be wearing Okobo (platform clogs). I was in a black silk ornate Kimono and was maneuvering two fans in the most artistic fashion. Behind me were two maid girls dressed in bright yellow and I was teaching them how to walk and use fans. I was doll-like. Despite how good I was I knew I was Maiko (apprentice Geisha), not Geisha. I was old and hope was running out for me.

The viewing ended when I heard an important man coming and I hurried the girls out the room as I wasn't really supposed to be helping them.

Interesting how I was going behind authorities back (the important man) perhaps because I had had authority roles in previous lives I was unable to take authority in this life. It could just be my kind heart helping the girls out at a risk to me.

My house today is full of Geisha books, DVDs, and pictures as I've always loved them. Funny that.

Purple Ribbon

I still can't quite believe this life. Make of it what you will!

I was in Rome at The Vatican. I was dressed in a white robe with gold embroidery on it. I had a white hat with a gold embroidered cross on it. I had a gold staff with a cross at the top.  I was at some sort of a ceremony where everyone was dressed the same. It felt like an incredibly important occasion. At first I was getting the impression that I was the Pope!!! Since then I've managed to calm down and have demoted myself to Bishop, but still...OMG!

For once, I'm lost for words and too stunned to add to this.

Grey Ribbon

This life was cold - very cold! I was wearing rags for clothes and they felt rough (and cold!). I was barefoot in a forest or woods. I was incredibly poor and sad and I was all alone. I was desperately searching for food, berries etc. Although I was hungry it wasn't for me. Instead it was because I was distraught that the hunters were coming for a deer and that deer was my only friend. I was terrified they would kill him and I wanted to find an alternative to stop them doing that. My mind flashed to my current cat, Satoshi, and I couldn't help but wonder if the deer in that life contained his soul.

In this life I became vegetarian at age 12. Also, I do treat my pets like royalty, as opposed to 'just' a pet. They are my soul mates in this life too. I have such a fear of my cat dying and I think this is partially related to the devastation in this other life. 

Orange Ribbon

This life was shown to me in black and white like the old movies my nana and I used to watch. I took it to be 1920's? I was uber glamorous. I looked like Marilyn Monroe with blonde pin curls and bright red lips. I was a singer and a showgirl. I was looking in a mirror with lights all around it. I had an excitement in me like this was it and I was about to hit the big time. Sadly, I knew as well that I didn't make it to the 'big time'.

Perhaps this is where my love of vintage pinups and burlesque comes from? In this life I lack confidence and fear my perception of failure and I do wonder if this is left over energy from not making it as a Geisha or a singer. And perhaps that itself is karma for having been a judging high ranking officer in the army? 

Black Ribbon

This was the weirdest one of all and I still haven't quite figured it out. I'll write it out for you all and then give you my theory. If any of you have your own theories then please let me know via the comments box. This one has got me stumped.

Everything was either pitch black or pure white. There was no other colours at all. It was peaceful and blissful like nothing I've ever encountered and remembered before. I received the message "this is not Earth". To be fair, it didn't feel like it. 

There was no judgement, everything was One and the connection was obvious. The place or planet looked like a huge swirling yin yang symbol and it felt like a beautiful galaxy. 

A huge avatar of Jeshua (Jesus Christ) was shining gold white energy onto and into us and this was what was powering all of us. It felt vast and heavenly.

After some deep thought I believe this to be me and my twin in the womb. Babies can't see colour, only black and white, and I assume twins lie in the womb in a similar position to the yin yang symbol. 

The only other thing I could think it might be was my Starseed heritage. Who knows... I doubt I'll ever figure that one out.

I can't recommend this workshop enough. It was, frankly, cheap as chips and brilliant fun.

Everyone got something every time they went in to a new life. Mine was through a mixture of claircognizance (knowing), clairvoyance (seeing), and clairsentience (feeling), which is my normal way of navigating, but for others there was more clairaudience (hearing) and clairalience (smelling).

If you fancy doing the workshop or finding out more about Claire who ran it alongside Eleanor, and her other services offered, you can visit her lovely website here Claire's website

I don't know much about history so I've no idea how accurate these glimpses of lives are, or what era's they were supposed to be in, so, if you think you know more information about them, then please share via the comments box.

The only thing that I want to add, is that I don't personally, believe it matters what you were like in a past life. To me, it is all just the fragments of energy that make you up and the past lives we view are our perception of this energy - the way our mind processes or reads the energy and makes it understandable to us. As long as you are being the best version of you that you can be in the here and now, nothing else really matters, as we are all connected and everything comes round and 'rights' itself in one way or another.  

As the saying goes..."the past is not a destination..."

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Bereavement – Fighting Your Way Out of the Dark

It’s that moment when your whole life changes and there’s nothing you can do about it. Your mind, body and soul tries to clutch you and hold you in the space before the change… a bit like bracing yourself before a fall…it takes time for the truth of what you’ve lost to sink in.

Sometimes we can't go there at all – denial occupies the space where our loved one once was. Eventually there'll be a trigger; a place, a memory, a feeling…a moment when you would turn to them… but they're not there.

It feels so final. You have no say in it and no control over it. You have to let go, though you want with all your heart to hold on forever. It’s often the greatest gift we can give to someone to genuinely let go and let them pass with our blessing. In return their great gift is a lesson on the infinity of love. Gone but not forgotten. Still here, but unseen un-held and unknown….

They gain freedom and rest – bliss. We gain evolution – the ability to hurt but survive and recognise that. It can be the cruellest kindest lesson as we don't want to survive – we want to go with them.

Everything goes too fast as each moment takes you further away from The One Who Got Away. You still wish life would hurry up so you can get away from the intense pain resonating through you. Such is the trap. Time goes both too fast and too slow.

The world around you carries on as normal. You no longer feel part of it. You want to scream. Don't they know of The Loss? It’s real and it’s fake.

In your bereaved head you try to bargain with The Universe. You'd do anything to be with them again. Make it so.

You turn a corner as you realise they're not coming back.  Life won’t be the same, it won't stop and it won’t slow down or speed up. You're choice less again.

You reluctantly choose to go on. The pain of separation and defeat sears through you. The tears come and go. Another thing you have no control over.

My mum always taught me “don't be sad because it’s over; be happy because it happened”. Easier said than done? The void is still there – it can’t be filled – but we can move past it. It can be done. Thoughts charge our emotions so when we have a sad thought, we need to try to turn it around. An example would be ‘we used to go for a coffee every Sunday morning and now my Sunday morning is empty, I miss them and it hurts’ change to ‘wasn't it great that I had someone to share my Sunday with. I enjoyed getting a coffee and I'm going to get one today in honour of them’. Different thought - different emotion - different outcome.

People judge based on their own experience. Who and what’s important to one won’t be to another. If all things are relative, why do we try to hurry people through grief? Perhaps it is too painful even to witness, let alone go through?

Grief is grief. To belittle one person’s, belittles our own. We all have different ways of coping with it and experiencing it. No-one’s grief is greater or lesser. This is just our human way of trying to ‘verify’ the ‘losses’ and label everything. If we learn to accept where people are on their own journey, it would make all our journeys easier.

As always, it’s all about balance. We must allow ourselves time to grieve properly and to let the hurt out. If we don't do this, it will bury itself deep within our energetic layers and could manifest as an illness. Likewise, it’s not healthy to be in a constant state of misery, so when we've allowed proper time for grief, we must be brave and move on with our lives. This can be especially hard as often our grief feels like our last attachment to our loved one.

It helps me to know that their energy is still around, though it can often be their physical presence that’s missed the most.

Whoever you’re missing, remember you are their legacy – you carry with you some of their energy imprint and because of this they're really always with you (just in an unfamiliar form). We're lucky to have had someone so special; many people never get to experience that in their lives. Some search for it forever. So - don't be sad it’s over; be happy because it happened.

Sending waves of love and light to all those who are bereaved or grieving in any way. Know that it will get better with time, acceptance and healing. Go easy on yourselves.